linx

i have made a little blog for me to throw links into, it is here.

interact

i have added some un-needed interactive thingies to the web page, they can be found here.

doink

so my parents needed the computer to check their email and do banking and stuff, so i take my new illinois licence plates (they are supa ulgy) and my dad's set of hex wrenches/a screw driver to change my plates. anyways, to make a short story short (a trick i need to get better at) my hands get numb, dink-doink-slash goes the hex wrench i need - straight into the sewer. so...i need to go to the hardware store tomorrow.

wtf

1: hello, who are you and what have you done with alex?
2: this is alex
1: seems like something’s different
2: everything changes
1: has it been for the better?
2: hard to say
1: erm, ok...

this is a question that has been on my mind a bit recently. since i got a new lease on life when i went to college i have been in my mind, steadily self improving: i became more social; developed a better relationship with my family; enjoyed many things i had once thought not so enjoyable; got back into shape; took better care of myself; became more directed on my goals even (quite inconceivable if you knew me in hs).
its occurred to me that i’ve really taken some steps back, especially in this 2001-2002 school year. while i was able to pull out a 4.0 in one of the most academically challenging quarters of my life, i must take into account the losses i incurred.
1) social: i have become an outcast in my own fraternity which i felt very close to most of my freshman and sophomore years. its true i’ve lost some of the fire i once had for it, for a variety of reasons i will not go into here, but i didn’t realize how it would adversely affect the way people perceive me. with less fraternity responsibilities (i was alumni chairman last year, lot more time than i thought it would be) i thought that i would have more time for the interpersonal relationships which i find more valuable than the bulk of the crap we do as an organization, however my academic time has moved into the time i would have spent working for the fraternity and with my friends.
2) grumpy: if you’ve ever been around me during school, i’m sorry. i am a very worried and irritable person at school. it’s what happens when a mediocre student tries to be a good student, especially when that person gets really wound up tight for no reason. i try to be in a good mood, but the concerns i have totally consume me and make me a huge bitch. this of course makes the social (point 1) worse.
3) health: because i had a foot problem carried over from the summer, i did not exercise when the fall quarter started, which was unfortunate. it has now been 6 months since i have exercised with any regularity. this really contributes to grumpy (point 2) because beating the shit out of myself in the guy really helped me stay in a better mood. in addition it also hurts social (point 1) because i used to exercise with my brothers (when they didn’t wimp out on me). in addition, i’ve been getting quite sick alot, something i would attribute to not exercising and also the 4th point:
4) cooking: sophomore year i managed to cook quite a bit during the fall and winter quarters, this year i haven really done much at all. once again academics taking all my time. i think not making myself some good food (i was usually pretty good about vegetables) has taken a toll on my health.

sophomore year was also a miserable time in my life for a variety of reasons. but it seemed like i was improving on a bunch of different areas, i exercised alot, i cooked, i did community service and other fraternity stuff. and really things got better after winter break.
this year all i’ve gained in is academics, which is rewarding and important, but i am beginning to question my huge commitment to it. i don’t know what happened to me. seems like gradually i’ve lost sight of what was important to me and focused on one thing.
well now i am here, and i am this way. i don’t know if i should try to go back to the way i was, or to try to take a logical step with this incarnation of myself. i certainly feel like something has to be done.
i think one of the best thing’s i’ve ever done was i wrote down some definite goals for myself for my sophomore year. i had goals of getting into shape, cooking and doing many fraternity things, as well as some specific things. i accomplished every single one of those goals. this year i only knew of one goal: 4.0, i got it, but i think i need more goals, i will have to think about who i want to be and write them.

i really hope that by writing this, i will think my way through this problem and maybe let the people around me know where i am at.

taking the L

today i had a dentist appointment downtown. my sister dropped me off after going shopping with her, i bought her a pair of designer corduroys for her birthday (a bit late) at the “good” price of $55. i had a very nice late lunch at heaven on seven, then had my teeth checked out: they were good (a rare occurrence for me). from there i walked to the Madison stop of the brown line, went up, just missed the brown line, paid my fare and waited for a train standing between two benches on the platform.

a girl with brown eyes and brown hair sat in the bench to my right. then some yelling broke out by the turnstile where you pay. a woman was yelling and cursing at her child who was on the paid side of the turnstile while the woman was on the unpaid side. the woman proceeded to get a attendant who told her tough luck about the 1.50$, then a green line train came and went. apparently it was her train. she ran her card through again (the idea was the kid rides free because he/she was so young) and sat on the bench to my left, yelling and cursing at her kid the whole time, telling he/she (i didn’t look long enough to tell) to not even sit by her, while she went on and on about missing the train and the $1.50 she lost and how stupid her kid was. the girl to my right thought (as i of course did) that the mother was being quite cruel to the very young child by saying “jeez” and stuff quietly. a brown line train approached and the girl stood up, she turned toward the mother, i looked at her and said “you’d think saying something would help... but you’d be wrong”. she looked down and said “i know”. i myself learned that the hard way, repeating that would be difficult for me. the mother will not change her ways at this point in life, the best you could hope for would be to have her stop doing it in public, but then it would probably come out more in private. we boarded the train and sat down. the kid was still standing at the end of the bench and the mother sitting at the other end. the train moved away from the platform.

the girl looked quite troubled. i sat across from her on the car, she fidgeted around and looked a bit perturbed. i can understand, seeing those things throws my life in to question and doubt. how can people be so bad to each other (even to their family) and to themselves? its of course a matter of circumstance, bad circumstances breed such behavior and perpetuate it through generations, it would be quite amazing if that child comes out to be a loving parent, or able to love at all. love is definitely an emotion that is learned, and that child does not seem to have a fit teacher.

i said to her “if you cant smile and have hope for the future, the problems will not stop. to help others and ones self, one must first be happy enough to confront the world.” or, i did in my head...that whole being a coward thing really held me back on that one. but it is something i do believe, that to help the world one must have inner peace, one cannot save a burning building until one is no longer on fire. at the sedgwick stop she got off, at the next stop (armitage) i got off, i offered to help a guy up the stairs and was turned down, i came back to my nice home.

the reason i didn’t look long enough to tell the sex of the poor kid was because i didn’t want to see his/her face. i don’t know if i would have been able to sleep tonight if i had seen his/her face and not said anything today. what could i have said, what could i have done? i feel that non-action was actually the best thing i could do for that kid, i really do, i hope i am right, but i have a nagging feeling that my passiveness in the situation was wrong.

just 5 minutes prior to the situation my biggest concern was making sure my next visit to the dentist went as well as the one today. this is why i like to take public transportation in Chicago. without it, i would not see the world as it needs to be seen.

well, finally got things working with the blog and a template which is not objectionable (thanks Tom), now i can finally write stuff quickly and easily (my old journal would require me to update 2 web pages by hand in addition to the page i created for the journal entry).